For a long time I was in a place where I was not happy. And for whatever reason, I did not do anything about it. I just continued to stay unhappy. For fearing that things would not work out, that I would be worse off than I already am, and that my life would be hell. And then one night, everything I feared went away. And I stood up strong, like the lioness I am. And I walked away from my marriage. I had to stop pretending that I was happy. Stop lying to myself and my children that it was okay to be treated the way I was by my spouse. And to start loving myself. Because staying in that relationship, I felt like I wasn’t.
We have to commit to change, otherwise….we will continue to feel the same feeling. We get this surge of strength out of nowhere, when we don’t even think we have anything left inside. That is our inner strength.
I kept getting signs that things were never going to get better unless I changed my path I was on. I learned a lot of life lessons with this relationship, although it was a very difficult one. And I am grateful for having gone through them. The good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes we feel so comfortable where we are, and even though it is best to leave a situation, we have anxiety about leaving. We fear about our finances, if we can survive alone? We fear that we have no where to go. How will we cope with the change, and will it be for the better? We fear we are not worth more than what we have right now in our life. And we fear that no one will love us.
We all have a natural instinct to survive somehow. If you have no where to go, there are churches who may be able to help. Or shelters. Ask a friend or family member for help and do not be afraid to ask. If you are having a hard time coping with change, talk to friends and loved ones about whatever it is. There are also all kinds of groups out there that can help you as well.
Believe you are worth it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve that amazing relationship. You deserve that job you want. You deserve that career you invested so much time into. You deserve all of this. You think you are not worth it?! You are wrong. Cause you are worth it!! If that job or company doesn’t treat you right, then leave it. But make sure you have somewhere else to work at. If it’s a person that doesn’t treat you right, or does not make you happy. Let them go. Choose to be happy. Choose to work for someone who is kind and cares about you. Choose to receive and give love to someone who truly loves and cares about you. And follow your heart.
We focus on making others happy and tend to forget about our own happiness. These relationships end up in routines and we get comfortable with how things are. And for this reason, the universe tends to shake things up a bit!
One October evening, in 2015, I just had enough! I decided that I needed to love myself. And end my marriage. I was unable to hide my unhappiness any longer. I fought with that decision for far too long. But once I acted on my decision, I knew I couldn’t take back what I said, about how I felt. I had to speak my truth. And I feel better for letting go.
I started to do things that made me happy. And started to take care of myself better.
Not too long after, my smile returned on my face. I looked healthier again. Slept better. And focused on myself (and my kids). I didn’t look for a relationship to have. Instead I took the time to heal from my past ones. I looked within to see my relationship patterns, to see what lessons I had a hard time learning. And just lived life. I figured out what are my desires? Who am I? And where I wanted to go in my life.
I am embracing life and taking on a new adventure. I take each day as it comes. Of course, I do think about my future like everyone else does, but instead of sitting around, I act on committing to where I want to be, and whoever it be with. It’s been two years since I separated from my spouse and I am now divorcing him. I decided that I could not work on my marriage any more. I tried for many years and got no where. I do wish my ex a happier future and all the best. I have no negativity towards him. We continue to raise our child together, co-parenting. And as for me……
I remain true to my words. I am happier. I am good enough and worth it. I love myself and I will always care about the people who have been and are in my life. Names and titles will soon change. Till then…..’I can only imagine’….what my future will be like.
In light and love,