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I’ll hold you forever

There is a day that is marked on our calendars every year. A day where we celebrate Mothers.

For some, we celebrate it to those that have raised us, or are there for us as a Mother role model or figure. For others, it is a day we remember those that are not with us.

Our Mothers have been there with us to hold our hand when we cross the street, when we take our first steps, when we start our first day of school, when we graduate, when we get married, and when have our own children.

I did not get that much time with my Mother here on Earth. She was a single Mom and raised me the best she could. She was my rock, the one I always turned to for everything, the one who taught me so many things, and the one I shared my secrets with. I may have missed out on so many things and events in my life where she was not here, but I was lucky because I did get her for a period of time. To that I am truly grateful for. No, she wasn’t there to see me graduate, or get married and see my children be born and grow up. But, she was there for a lot of other first things. And I had women that continued to raise me as their own, to continue what she was teaching me.

A Mother may not be the actual women that raised us, but a woman that raises us along with our own Mothers. They are the ones that are there to help us grow and teach us  things we may not know. They are the ones that watch us, when our parents are at work, and the ones we run to when our Mothers are no longer with us.

I may not have my Mother with me, but I did have women that helped raised me. And that continue to teach me things that she has not or wasn’t that able to teach me. To them and all of you, I wish you a Happy Mother’s day. And hope you all have a wonderful day.

In love and light always,

Amanda

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” – Robert Munch

 

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Brick walls

There are times in our lives where we put up walls around our heart so that we do not get hurt. We do this because in the past when we may have been hurt, possibly one too many times. When we put up walls, we are protecting the one thing where we are vulnerable to. Love. We fear that if one person hurt us, another will. Well, in some cases, yes that may happen. But, in other cases….maybe it won’t. It’s the risk you have to decide to take or not.

We put up walls for fear of rejection, for fear of not being good enough, for fear of getting hurt again, for fear of finally loving someone again only to be disappointed, and for many other reasons.

We may not understand why people do this, or when will their walls come down. But, if you are the one trying to bring down someone’s wall….just do it, one brick at a time. It may take a while for those bricks to come down, or it may not. But that is where your patience will be tested. Are they worth it? To wait, to see if they will bring down their wall.

Once their wall comes down, they or you are very vulnerable. And for most, it scares the hell out of them!! They may get so scared that they start to put up that wall again. Or they get so scared….that they run away from their feelings. Because they are scared of the real thing. And then question if it’s for real or not. Due to what they have already gone through, the times of pain in the past that they have endured.

The pain of getting hurt is not all that fun to go through. It can hurt so much or so little. It all depends on you. It can also last however long it does. But, once you get past that pain, you can move forward. One step at a time. However fast or slow you go is entirely up to you. You are the one steering and driving your course of life.

This is how we grow. And evolve. We learn from our past mistakes, our way where we went about things, of what we did and said at the time. We are to get past the challenges and obstacles we are faced each and every day, if we really want to be with this person. Or at least try and see where it may go. No matter how many times it takes.

I often see certain people I know, who run away from their feelings. Because they are scared or are not ready to be with the person….sometimes just yet. This is when it is a decision to the person, who may have to wait and be patient. Till the other person is ready. Doesn’t matter what gender you are. If you are willing to wait. And it finally happens, and their wall comes down or starts to again. Remember what you learnt and move forward (again, if it is with the same person).

We often go through time and time again, trying to learn the lessons we are faced. And will go through them until we learn from them. Whether it is now or later, doesn’t matter. If you are to learn a lesson you will see the pattern you have gone through. And know if you have gotten past the challenge or obstacle, of the lesson.

Lessons are not that easy to go through at times. They can be tough. But, once you get past it, you will feel so much better knowing where you went wrong. Sometimes these lessons are not ones where you end the relationship, but where you start over or continue on.

I am learning even now, why others put up walls. To not necessarily to keep others out. But to protect their heart.

I have done this to two people myself. I put up my wall for fear of getting hurt again from them. And when I do allow them in….I am still the one who gets hurt. And when this happens, I often blame myself for giving in and bringing down my wall. But, no matter how many times I put it up. I always have that choice to bring it down again. And let them in. With one, I learnt that I can not keep giving them chances. This person I have not been with for almost 18 years. The other person….I am sure they know who they are. And should know, that I will always love them, unconditionally. As I have for many years.

The saying is “if you love it and set it free, and it comes back to you, then it is meant to be.” I loved them. I set them free years ago. They came back. They ran again…..

They had my heart a long, long time ago, and still do. And I swear and promise I will never hurt them. It is up to them to believe me when I say this.

I have never given them any reason for them not to trust and not believe me.

So, my question, like you might be questioning, is; when is it meant to be? And the only answer I can say right now is, whenever it is. Stop trying to control how it turns out, and just go with the flow. It might just turn out better than you expected, anticipated or planned.

Like Kane Brown says in a song “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, baby if it’s meant to be….”

In love and light,

Amanda

 

Spirituality, Uncategorized

Seeing is believing

There are many times where I have seen things before they happen. I see them in my mind’s eye. I do not say what I see, and then within no much time passes of what I saw, happened.

These are called visions. Some of us may have these when we are in awake state. I have had visions since I was a child. Never really knowing what I was seeing was real or not. As I got older, I understood that these were visions. I would receive these visions as a sort of a heads up or what will happen, if actions are not changed. I have visions for others as well as myself. And my visions seem to manifest almost to the exact way I saw it happening. Some times the visions and the reality are slightly different, but not too much.

There are times where the visions I see are about death. I have had visions of the year my maternal grandmother passing away before her death. And of a few other family members death year or age of when they will be passing. This is something I can not stop or control as much as I want to or even tried with my grandmother.  I tried with her because like every grandchild, they want their grandparent living, so they can see them and spend time with them.

I was very close to my maternal grandmother. After my Mom’s passing in 1997, my grandmother helped raise me. She was there when I confided in her. She listened and gave me tips and advice. A woman to another. I needed that maternal figure and often looked to my grandmother mostly for help. She became my rock after my Mother died. And was till her end of days.

I receive visions whenever. Doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is. They come whenever they do. I do not force a vision, as I do not want them to be whatever I think, but what ever it is meant to be seen through my third eye. I also have premonitions. Those are visions of the future. Visions for me can happen with a few hours or days or weeks. Premonitions for me are when it is more than a month in timing. This is just had I differ from the two in my own way.

I do not know how these visions start. I do not know what each one will be until I see it. I do not know sometimes the timing. Or who it is about, other than maybe gender and younger or older feeling of energy with in regards to the vision. These visions can continue reoccurring until they manifest. This is when I know they will happen without a doubt.

We often see things as we want them to appear or be. In this case, sometimes I see things that I wish would not happen. But this is not my control. I do not know why I have the ability of premonitions and visions. I have often wondered the same thing. I ask myself, “Why am I lucky to have this ability? What makes me so special?” And the answer I only know is…..because I was chosen. There are times where I hear “Tell them….tell them the message.” And that is when I do. There are times where I hear, ‘do not give the message. This is just for you to know and be there for the souls that need healing.”

I used to think I’m crazy cause I saw things, I heard things and yet no one was around me! I thought I was losing it! Until I join a community that helped me understand that this was a gift. All my abilities are gifts. That I was chosen to be this way to help and heal souls. It is just something I am good at receiving and doing. I see things without my two eyes but in my mind’s eye. And most times clear as day. I see situations, events, people, etc. I am very grateful for all my abilities. Visions and premonitions, seem to work together with the many clair abilities I have as well.

The visions I have received have been about people I know and some I do not know. Again, I have no control of who they are about.

I often have visions of things to come, like for example, events. And outcomes of situations. Death included. At first I often doubt what I see or hear. I often question is it real what message I am receiving or am I crazy? And then I question again, like I always do, “why am I receiving this message? Why me?” And the answer is….just because, I can. I was chosen.

I am not alone. There are others who have this ability. And possibly more abilities like I have as well.

It has been a few years where I started to believe what I saw and heard was real. Because the visions I saw happened, they became into reality. I do not dwell or think about the visions or premonitions I see. I just accept what I see and move on with my life. If needing to speak up about the vision I do. “Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing.” I only wish that you can all see what I see. Because sometimes my visions are just incredibly beautiful.

In love light always,

Amanda

Uncategorized

Please forgive me….

For years I have lived with the feeling that if I did things differently, things would have turned out better….

If I didn’t fight with her and anger her, maybe the stress I caused by that anger wouldn’t have been there? And the cancer wouldn’t have gotten worse? Maybe, she would’ve lived longer?

If I raised my child differently, maybe things would’ve been better for us? Or better for them? If I didn’t hang on so tight, or maybe I didn’t hang on tight enough?

Maybe if I didn’t act that certain way or say what I said, maybe he would’ve stayed around? Maybe I was too much? Or not enough? Maybe if I did things differently, maybe we would’ve still been together all these years. And maybe we would’ve gotten married and/or had children together?

We blame ourselves for not being all that good looking. Or all that smart. We blame ourselves for thinking and feeling deeply and so different than others. Yet, it is who we are. We may not be the cutest in our eyes, we may not think we are smart, we may think and feel differently so we think we are weird. But, to someone else….we are just the right person for them.  To someone else, we are who they want in our life.

We often question things because they didn’t work out the way we wanted. Or when we wanted them to. We question that maybe the blame was our fault. And that we need to change. But, as in some situations this may be true, it may not be all that true in others. In most cases, we did nothing wrong. Or that no matter what we could’ve done, it just was not meant to be. And so we take the blame. In a way of hoping to heal from the situation.

Part of healing….is needing to forgive yourself or someone else. Even if they are no longer around or alive. So that you can live fully. It may take a while to forgive, but you will know when it’s time.

I forgave myself, I know there was nothing I could do to save her. I was a child, a child who like others caused stress, fighting, and was coming into who I am. And she loved every day seeing me grow up right before her eyes. I knew she fought for so long to have as much time with me as possible. Spending every moment with me, doing whatever she can. For she was living. I forgave myself for not being able to do anything more than be there for her. I know she lived and fought longer….for me….

I forgave myself for raising my oldest child the way I did the last few years. I only wish in time that we can work things out. We, Mothers, often learn parenting with and through our first born child. I was eighteen when I had my first child. I was a single mother doing everything on my own. With very little help. And there doesn’t go a single day by, that I regret having my child back then. He is almost an adult now. He is doing whatever it takes to graduate from high school. And has his own lessons to learn from. I give credit to raising him with the knowledge of what my Mother taught and instilled in me. The lessons and values. But I also give credit to the family and friends whom have helped me over the years. I have been so hard on myself for how I raised him, that I have found it difficult to forgive myself. But finally I can say, I do forgive myself, for not knowing which path to take. I only pray that my child understands that I was learning too, like him.

A few months ago. I had to forgive someone for walking away. I blamed myself thinking it was my fault, not knowing the truth. After many years later, I know it was not all my fault, but both of ours. For he walked away because of a different main reason. I forgave myself for being too much back then. As I was still learning. Still to this day, I learn that not everyone can take my intensity of words or feelings, or have the passion of future plans to happen and so soon. That’s my anxiety showing there.

I blamed myself for years of being “too much”. I blamed myself for being too strong, and for caring “too much”. When I just had to learn to not be so much all at once.

After many years of separation. The same person that walked away long ago, is finally back together with me. We are happy and continue to learn and grow with one another. Taking each day one by one.

There are times we must forgive others for their actions in order to heal (even if they do not apologize).

But, sometimes we must forgive ourselves. I often blame myself and try and find a fault so that I can try and get past the hurt or whatever feeling I have. In all, this only hurts more. We can be so hard on ourselves, that we blame ourselves for caring or loving someone or something too much. That we often relive the same mistakes in our head, thinking if we did or said things differently, that things would’ve been better? But we all make mistakes. And from those mistakes, we learn from them. Otherwise, we may just end up repeating our mistakes till we get it right. Even if it’s a bit of a different situation each time.

By forgiving yourself you can move on and forward. Although it may be hard to do this, you will be happy you did. Do not allow past bad decisions to define you. Or to affect your future for yourself (or with someone). Instead learn from that experience you had, when you made that decision. And forgive yourself. You deserve peace, peace in mind and in your heart. Then once you forgive, it’ll be time to release and let go of that thought. The grudge, the resentment, the pain, the memory….all of it. Afterwards, just take the experience and learn from it. There was a lesson to be learned from it. You can not travel back in time to fix anything, only move forward with the understanding that you are only human. And learning soul lessons in a human form.

In love and light always,

Amanda

“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” – Najwa Zebian

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you lived through it. Honor your path. Trust your journey. Learn, grow, evolve, become.” – Creig Crippen

 

Uncategorized

Kept hidden

In my family I was taught to express my feelings. But growing up I also learned to keep things to myself. I knew one way more than the other, all to well….

We mask our feelings for fear of what people make think or say. And at times we keep things to ourselves because we are also taught “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But, for some of us, we keep our feelings hidden because people don’t understand how we feel. Or what we are going through. So, we shut out people and the world. We mask our pain. We put on a fake smile, laugh at something but hide the pain we face each and every day. Not showing anything. And acting strong.

These souls go about their day, and act like nothing is wrong. You won’t recognize them easily, as they have learnt to hide this pain for many years.

The child you see playing in the sand, but you don’t know what they are going through at home. The man that acts like his life is good. You have no idea what demons he faces in his mind. Nor see how he is fighting to get up every day, because his partner passed away. The woman that smiles, laughs, and looks like she can take on anything because she is strong and independent. But you don’t see or know her pain, that she sees everyone with children but grieves hers that passed on. Or longs for a child herself.

To the person that is strong for everyone, but breaks down crying in private because they don’t want anyone to see them at their weakness. The person who struggles to get his fiances stable, so he doesn’t have to worry or stress of what bills have to be paid next? Or when the next paycheck comes in? Or want to stress the other person with the same stress we are going through.

The anxiety of keeping our emotions inside, for fear of being rejected. For fear that the relationship we want with another will never happen. Or because we do not know how to say what we feel. Maybe because we know the other person will not agree to what we think or feel, so we bottle it all up inside. And remain quiet.

The tears we cry can not measure the pain we keep inside. The torment we put ourselves through. The anxiety of what tomorrow is going to bring. And if we are going to be able to get through another day? The torment if the other person will love us back?

Keeping these feelings hidden inside can sometimes hurt more, than anyone can hurt you. I’ve gone through this hurt. I know this pain all too well. My anxiety got the best of me many times. And all I had to do was say something. It takes courage to say something, as we most know. It may take a long time, or short. But that time is all depending on you. That time is yours. Speak up and say something, when you are ready.

Now, the moments where you look at something or someone, and you are in awe…..and you feel something. But chose not to say anything….but stay silent. Be in that present feeling. And if it brings a smile to your face….enjoy that moment.

In love and light,

Amanda

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” – Erma Bombeck

 

 

 

Uncategorized

Be in the present moment….

Be in the present moment. Don’t think about the destination, just enjoy the journey.

Someone I love very much pointed out to me yesterday that I think about the past and fear of it repeating itself a little too much. And that when I think about the future too much as well, I am never in the present moment. And he was right to point this out.

When we are in the present moment, we are more aware and see clues that we normal miss. These clues are what will help us on our spiritual journey. I was having a tough day a few days ago. And spoke to a friend of mine, who pointed out that I was being given clues as to what I need to work on. And what tools to use. After she pointed this out, I realized she was right. I was freaking out and panicking over a lesson that I was being shown that I need to overcome. That I needed to learn. Again, yesterday, I was being given another tool as to what I need to work on. Both were about…..being in the present.

When we live in the past, we get depressed and sad because we wish that things turned out differently. That things worked out for us. That certain things stopped repeating itself. Yet, it always did! But, we don’t see the lessons we needed to learn at that moment. To overcome that lesson and learn it; so that we can move onto the next one. And by constantly thinking that things will repeat itself, we manifest that.

When we live in the future, we have lots of anxiety. We are constantly worrying about what will happen? Will it work out or not? Will things repeat itself, yet again? Will we have that happily ever after? Or will we be alone? Will we be financially secure in the future? Or will we be okay? We are constantly reaching for that future and missing out on what we are given now.

When we live in the present we are more aware of the beauty of life. Of who and what we have in our life. And when we are happy, in the present, we make room for more happiness to come.

We are souls that are experiencing life in human form.

When we are not present we are trapping ourselves in our mind and therefore allowing our ego to get to us. Our ego likes to control things and people. It is impatient and it knows it’s time is limited. It focuses on the past and the future. Whereas our soul is patient and focuses on the now.

Our ego is our false self. Our soul is our true self.

Your mind is ego based and keeps playing tricks on you. And tries to protect you from things. When all it’s doing is hurting you more. Your heart is soul based and when you listen to your gut, your intuition, it will lead you to where you need to go. Stop allowing your thoughts to control you. When you think about yesterday, you are living in the past. When you think about tomorrow, you are focusing on the future. So, be in the present.

Enjoy the little moments that happen. See what you have, rather than what you don’t have. Stop chasing what your mind wants and allow what you soul needs, to come.

Train your mind to stop thinking negative thoughts and the things that you fear. Train your mind and be more aware of your thoughts. And control them. Then you will be more in the now. Rather than in your ego.

Take time out for just a moment each day. Take a walk out in nature. Enjoy the sun rays, the beautiful blue sky, the animals around you. The breeze blowing on a hot day. The water flowing. The storm coming. The rain pouring. The noises of kids playing and souls going about their day. Enjoy the walks with your partner. The private moments between you and them. Being in that awe state. Stop checking social media. Turn off the devices. And enjoy the people around you, and the silence if you are alone. The clock ticking. The pets sleeping. Life.

Smile, laugh and be in the present…..

In love and light,

Amanda

“When you are present with another human being, you are not trapped in the judgments of your mind.” – Eckhart Tolle

“Do not look back, you are not going that way.” – Unknown Author

“It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up.” – Eckhart Tolle

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

“When you become aware of silence, immediately there is that state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective human conditioning.” – Eckhart Tolle

Uncategorized

Sometimes you have to stand alone

There are times in our life where we feel we are alone. That no one cares or wants us. That we mean nothing to nobody. And that the world may just be better off without us in it. These are our tough times we may go through in life. I am here to let you know that you are not alone.

In the past I have felt like this too many times. But getting past this feeling has made me stronger, a fighter, and more independent. So, I am going to speak to you through my experiences and help you out. As I am being guided to do so.

The lonely elder person, their children do not go see them or that often, yet they keep living. The person that is going through hell, gets up every day and still lives their life. The child that no one wants to play with, that suddenly has so many friends when they are older. They waited for this….because they believed it would happen for them some day. The woman that cries because her ex left her for someone else, gets up every day, and goes on with her life the best she can. Taking each day a bit at a time. The man that cries because the love of his life is not with him, yet he gets up every day and smiles because all he ever wanted was her to be happy. And even though it may be with someone else…..she is. These people are examples of standing alone even if you have to. But standing alone strong. Because you can get through these tough times.

Ending you life because you are not receiving the attention you want, or because you aren’t with the person you want to be with, or because you don’t feel you are good enough……know that is not the way to get through it.

You feel alone, yet you are not alone. There are others who have gone through these tough times and gotten past them. And you can too! Think of who you would leave behind. Think of your children and how it would affect them if you were not alive. Think of your loved ones, and how they would miss your presence. Miss talking to you. Seeing you. Hanging out with you. Hearing from you. Their love means a lot…doesn’t it? You may think…”they don’t care about me?” Yeah?! Think again. Most people do actually care what happens, if you were to live or die, even if you are not with them. I am one of those people who care like that. Why you ask? Because it’s how I am and it’s how I will always be. You have a gift of living a human experience as a spiritual being. Learning lessons along your life path. Sure there will be bumps and obstacles along the way, but life would be boring if we didn’t have some type of challenges along our path. Theses bumps and obstacles help us learn our lessons we are faced. And all we have to do is get through them. If we need help, all we have to do is ask. I know, that may not be easy for most of you. But, trust me….if you ask, there will always be someone there to help.

In the past I have faced pretty tough challenges. Some where I went into a dark place. Never thinking that I would get out of it. But I did with a bit of help. We realize that life is too precious to give up. And that we shouldn’t give up! That our loved ones matter to us. That our life matters to us. That no one is worth ending our life for. And if you don’t realize this. You should. Do not give someone else that control to make you feel like nothing is worth living for. Because there is so much to live for!!

Think of what you be missing out on. Your kids first day at school, their graduation…their whole life. You be missing out on experiencing life at a whole new way. Reinventing yourself or becoming the real you that you may have hidden for many years. You might even miss the chance to be with your true love of your life. Someone you may not even know yet. Or someone you already know, and thought you may never have a chance to be with them again.

Take your life by the reigns and live it proudly! Be the real you and let nothing get in your way. Be your true self. Socialize more. Connect with people. Make new friends and reconnect with any old ones you miss seeing or being around with. Live the life you always wanted. But live it! Let go of any past mistakes, wrong turns you might have made. And let go of the past. You can not change it or relive it. You can only be present and go forward. I know you can do this. But the choice is always yours. I just pray you make the right choice…….and live! Stand alone if you have to. And stand strong. You don’t need anyone. You are amazing all alone. You just have to see this for yourself.

In love and light,

Amanda

“Never forget how far you’ve come. Everything you have gotten through. All the times you have pushed on even when you felt you couldn’t. All the mornings you got out of bed no matter how hard it was. All the times you wanted to give up but you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have developed along the way. – Unknown Author