We go through things in life when we may push people we love away, in order to cope and deal with the pain inside. We get angry at someone when it’s not even them we are angry at. Or we hold it all in, thinking this is best. When it’s not. This is….the fight. The fight we have for love, for friendships, our kids, our future, our challenges….our life. We struggle with this fight not knowing how it will turn out. But yet, we fight for our belief, our love, our goal, our safety, our happy ending.

We fight battles some may not see or understand. Like people who are coping with anxiety, or mental illness. With grief with loss of a loved one or pet. With the feeling of emptiness because he or she misses their children, whom they might not get to see anymore. We fight battles to save someone from drowning themselves in alcohol, or drugging themselves to death. The pain carry inside. And fighting….to get through the day, the night, the time they have on Earth.

We don’t understand everyone’s battles unless we have gone through it or similarities. And yet sometimes, we stand with them, ready to fight alongside with them. And love the just the same.

When someone is pushing you away or tries to hide their pain, they are trying to fight their inner battles alone. But, being supportive and showing you are not going anywhere might be just what they need at that time. Be patient, not everyone heals as fast or as long as you. Hear their pain when they stay in silence, or when they speak whatever little they may do. They might push you you away in defense to protect their heartache, so give them space. Give them the time to heal, don’t push for them to speak out or rush their healing process. This will only prolong it. Or end up in loss.

There is a quote I came across not long ago….”She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons who danced in his eyes. He thought no one could ever love him if he revealed what lurks inside. He always knew he was different, how could anyone understand? But she was never afraid of his darkness or the beast within the man.” – Author unknown. I finally understood it. I know of a man like this. He was scared to show this side of him, not wanting to expose his inner demons. For knowing that it would scare me. He still has this fear. But….what he doesn’t know, is that those inner demons; I’ve known of, for far too long. I saw them in him a long time ago. And after years has past by, I am still there. Fighting secretly alongside him. Emphatically feeling his pain, his angry, his sadness, his frustration, his pain…..his fight he has battled for many years. All the while, no matter how many times he pushed me away, he fought with me, he tried to shut me out, I stood there. Waiting. Waiting for his message, his phone call, his willingness to open up and let me in more. And still standing there, never afraid of his darkness, his beast inside him. For I love him just the same. And will never leave him. I was ready to fight for love, for our friendship. For anything that came in my path. And learnt along the way, that I could fight, by not pushing him. By just being there. And not give up. This has been one of my strongest attributes I’ve ever had. I don’t give up that easily, and never without a fight.

We fight the pain or darkness we carry inside, or fight to survive from the toxicity we face in our lives. But nevertheless, always….ready to fight, for whatever lies ahead.

In light and love always,





I’ll hold you forever

There is a day that is marked on our calendars every year. A day where we celebrate Mothers.

For some, we celebrate it to those that have raised us, or are there for us as a Mother role model or figure. For others, it is a day we remember those that are not with us.

Our Mothers have been there with us to hold our hand when we cross the street, when we take our first steps, when we start our first day of school, when we graduate, when we get married, and when have our own children.

I did not get that much time with my Mother here on Earth. She was a single Mom and raised me the best she could. She was my rock, the one I always turned to for everything, the one who taught me so many things, and the one I shared my secrets with. I may have missed out on so many things and events in my life where she was not here, but I was lucky because I did get her for a period of time. To that I am truly grateful for. No, she wasn’t there to see me graduate, or get married and see my children be born and grow up. But, she was there for a lot of other first things. And I had women that continued to raise me as their own, to continue what she was teaching me.

A Mother may not be the actual women that raised us, but a woman that raises us along with our own Mothers. They are the ones that are there to help us grow and teach us  things we may not know. They are the ones that watch us, when our parents are at work, and the ones we run to when our Mothers are no longer with us.

I may not have my Mother with me, but I did have women that helped raised me. And that continue to teach me things that she has not or wasn’t that able to teach me. To them and all of you, I wish you a Happy Mother’s day. And hope you all have a wonderful day.

In love and light always,


“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” – Robert Munch



Brick walls

There are times in our lives where we put up walls around our heart so that we do not get hurt. We do this because in the past when we may have been hurt, possibly one too many times. When we put up walls, we are protecting the one thing where we are vulnerable to. Love. We fear that if one person hurt us, another will. Well, in some cases, yes that may happen. But, in other cases….maybe it won’t. It’s the risk you have to decide to take or not.

We put up walls for fear of rejection, for fear of not being good enough, for fear of getting hurt again, for fear of finally loving someone again only to be disappointed, and for many other reasons.

We may not understand why people do this, or when will their walls come down. But, if you are the one trying to bring down someone’s wall….just do it, one brick at a time. It may take a while for those bricks to come down, or it may not. But that is where your patience will be tested. Are they worth it? To wait, to see if they will bring down their wall.

Once their wall comes down, they or you are very vulnerable. And for most, it scares the hell out of them!! They may get so scared that they start to put up that wall again. Or they get so scared….that they run away from their feelings. Because they are scared of the real thing. And then question if it’s for real or not. Due to what they have already gone through, the times of pain in the past that they have endured.

The pain of getting hurt is not all that fun to go through. It can hurt so much or so little. It all depends on you. It can also last however long it does. But, once you get past that pain, you can move forward. One step at a time. However fast or slow you go is entirely up to you. You are the one steering and driving your course of life.

This is how we grow. And evolve. We learn from our past mistakes, our way where we went about things, of what we did and said at the time. We are to get past the challenges and obstacles we are faced each and every day, if we really want to be with this person. Or at least try and see where it may go. No matter how many times it takes.

I often see certain people I know, who run away from their feelings. Because they are scared or are not ready to be with the person….sometimes just yet. This is when it is a decision to the person, who may have to wait and be patient. Till the other person is ready. Doesn’t matter what gender you are. If you are willing to wait. And it finally happens, and their wall comes down or starts to again. Remember what you learnt and move forward (again, if it is with the same person).

We often go through time and time again, trying to learn the lessons we are faced. And will go through them until we learn from them. Whether it is now or later, doesn’t matter. If you are to learn a lesson you will see the pattern you have gone through. And know if you have gotten past the challenge or obstacle, of the lesson.

Lessons are not that easy to go through at times. They can be tough. But, once you get past it, you will feel so much better knowing where you went wrong. Sometimes these lessons are not ones where you end the relationship, but where you start over or continue on.

I am learning even now, why others put up walls. To not necessarily to keep others out. But to protect their heart.

I have done this to two people myself. I put up my wall for fear of getting hurt again from them. And when I do allow them in….I am still the one who gets hurt. And when this happens, I often blame myself for giving in and bringing down my wall. But, no matter how many times I put it up. I always have that choice to bring it down again. And let them in. With one, I learnt that I can not keep giving them chances. This person I have not been with for almost 18 years. The other person….I am sure they know who they are. And should know, that I will always love them, unconditionally. As I have for many years.

The saying is “if you love it and set it free, and it comes back to you, then it is meant to be.” I loved them. I set them free years ago. They came back. They ran again…..

They had my heart a long, long time ago, and still do. And I swear and promise I will never hurt them. It is up to them to believe me when I say this.

I have never given them any reason for them not to trust and not believe me.

So, my question, like you might be questioning, is; when is it meant to be? And the only answer I can say right now is, whenever it is. Stop trying to control how it turns out, and just go with the flow. It might just turn out better than you expected, anticipated or planned.

Like Kane Brown says in a song “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, baby if it’s meant to be….”

In love and light,



Spirituality, Uncategorized

Seeing is believing

There are many times where I have seen things before they happen. I see them in my mind’s eye. I do not say what I see, and then within no much time passes of what I saw, happened.

These are called visions. Some of us may have these when we are in awake state. I have had visions since I was a child. Never really knowing what I was seeing was real or not. As I got older, I understood that these were visions. I would receive these visions as a sort of a heads up or what will happen, if actions are not changed. I have visions for others as well as myself. And my visions seem to manifest almost to the exact way I saw it happening. Some times the visions and the reality are slightly different, but not too much.

There are times where the visions I see are about death. I have had visions of the year my maternal grandmother passing away before her death. And of a few other family members death year or age of when they will be passing. This is something I can not stop or control as much as I want to or even tried with my grandmother.  I tried with her because like every grandchild, they want their grandparent living, so they can see them and spend time with them.

I was very close to my maternal grandmother. After my Mom’s passing in 1997, my grandmother helped raise me. She was there when I confided in her. She listened and gave me tips and advice. A woman to another. I needed that maternal figure and often looked to my grandmother mostly for help. She became my rock after my Mother died. And was till her end of days.

I receive visions whenever. Doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is. They come whenever they do. I do not force a vision, as I do not want them to be whatever I think, but what ever it is meant to be seen through my third eye. I also have premonitions. Those are visions of the future. Visions for me can happen with a few hours or days or weeks. Premonitions for me are when it is more than a month in timing. This is just had I differ from the two in my own way.

I do not know how these visions start. I do not know what each one will be until I see it. I do not know sometimes the timing. Or who it is about, other than maybe gender and younger or older feeling of energy with in regards to the vision. These visions can continue reoccurring until they manifest. This is when I know they will happen without a doubt.

We often see things as we want them to appear or be. In this case, sometimes I see things that I wish would not happen. But this is not my control. I do not know why I have the ability of premonitions and visions. I have often wondered the same thing. I ask myself, “Why am I lucky to have this ability? What makes me so special?” And the answer I only know is…..because I was chosen. There are times where I hear “Tell them….tell them the message.” And that is when I do. There are times where I hear, ‘do not give the message. This is just for you to know and be there for the souls that need healing.”

I used to think I’m crazy cause I saw things, I heard things and yet no one was around me! I thought I was losing it! Until I join a community that helped me understand that this was a gift. All my abilities are gifts. That I was chosen to be this way to help and heal souls. It is just something I am good at receiving and doing. I see things without my two eyes but in my mind’s eye. And most times clear as day. I see situations, events, people, etc. I am very grateful for all my abilities. Visions and premonitions, seem to work together with the many clair abilities I have as well.

The visions I have received have been about people I know and some I do not know. Again, I have no control of who they are about.

I often have visions of things to come, like for example, events. And outcomes of situations. Death included. At first I often doubt what I see or hear. I often question is it real what message I am receiving or am I crazy? And then I question again, like I always do, “why am I receiving this message? Why me?” And the answer is….just because, I can. I was chosen.

I am not alone. There are others who have this ability. And possibly more abilities like I have as well.

It has been a few years where I started to believe what I saw and heard was real. Because the visions I saw happened, they became into reality. I do not dwell or think about the visions or premonitions I see. I just accept what I see and move on with my life. If needing to speak up about the vision I do. “Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing.” I only wish that you can all see what I see. Because sometimes my visions are just incredibly beautiful.

In love light always,



Please forgive me….

For years I have lived with the feeling that if I did things differently, things would have turned out better….

If I didn’t fight with her and anger her, maybe the stress I caused by that anger wouldn’t have been there? And the cancer wouldn’t have gotten worse? Maybe, she would’ve lived longer?

If I raised my child differently, maybe things would’ve been better for us? Or better for them? If I didn’t hang on so tight, or maybe I didn’t hang on tight enough?

Maybe if I didn’t act that certain way or say what I said, maybe he would’ve stayed around? Maybe I was too much? Or not enough? Maybe if I did things differently, maybe we would’ve still been together all these years. And maybe we would’ve gotten married and/or had children together?

We blame ourselves for not being all that good looking. Or all that smart. We blame ourselves for thinking and feeling deeply and so different than others. Yet, it is who we are. We may not be the cutest in our eyes, we may not think we are smart, we may think and feel differently so we think we are weird. But, to someone else….we are just the right person for them.  To someone else, we are who they want in our life.

We often question things because they didn’t work out the way we wanted. Or when we wanted them to. We question that maybe the blame was our fault. And that we need to change. But, as in some situations this may be true, it may not be all that true in others. In most cases, we did nothing wrong. Or that no matter what we could’ve done, it just was not meant to be. And so we take the blame. In a way of hoping to heal from the situation.

Part of healing….is needing to forgive yourself or someone else. Even if they are no longer around or alive. So that you can live fully. It may take a while to forgive, but you will know when it’s time.

I forgave myself, I know there was nothing I could do to save her. I was a child, a child who like others caused stress, fighting, and was coming into who I am. And she loved every day seeing me grow up right before her eyes. I knew she fought for so long to have as much time with me as possible. Spending every moment with me, doing whatever she can. For she was living. I forgave myself for not being able to do anything more than be there for her. I know she lived and fought longer….for me….

I forgave myself for raising my oldest child the way I did the last few years. I only wish in time that we can work things out. We, Mothers, often learn parenting with and through our first born child. I was eighteen when I had my first child. I was a single mother doing everything on my own. With very little help. And there doesn’t go a single day by, that I regret having my child back then. He is almost an adult now. He is doing whatever it takes to graduate from high school. And has his own lessons to learn from. I give credit to raising him with the knowledge of what my Mother taught and instilled in me. The lessons and values. But I also give credit to the family and friends whom have helped me over the years. I have been so hard on myself for how I raised him, that I have found it difficult to forgive myself. But finally I can say, I do forgive myself, for not knowing which path to take. I only pray that my child understands that I was learning too, like him.

A few months ago. I had to forgive someone for walking away. I blamed myself thinking it was my fault, not knowing the truth. After many years later, I know it was not all my fault, but both of ours. For he walked away because of a different main reason. I forgave myself for being too much back then. As I was still learning. Still to this day, I learn that not everyone can take my intensity of words or feelings, or have the passion of future plans to happen and so soon. That’s my anxiety showing there.

I blamed myself for years of being “too much”. I blamed myself for being too strong, and for caring “too much”. When I just had to learn to not be so much all at once.

After many years of separation. The same person that walked away long ago, is finally back together with me. We are happy and continue to learn and grow with one another. Taking each day one by one.

There are times we must forgive others for their actions in order to heal (even if they do not apologize).

But, sometimes we must forgive ourselves. I often blame myself and try and find a fault so that I can try and get past the hurt or whatever feeling I have. In all, this only hurts more. We can be so hard on ourselves, that we blame ourselves for caring or loving someone or something too much. That we often relive the same mistakes in our head, thinking if we did or said things differently, that things would’ve been better? But we all make mistakes. And from those mistakes, we learn from them. Otherwise, we may just end up repeating our mistakes till we get it right. Even if it’s a bit of a different situation each time.

By forgiving yourself you can move on and forward. Although it may be hard to do this, you will be happy you did. Do not allow past bad decisions to define you. Or to affect your future for yourself (or with someone). Instead learn from that experience you had, when you made that decision. And forgive yourself. You deserve peace, peace in mind and in your heart. Then once you forgive, it’ll be time to release and let go of that thought. The grudge, the resentment, the pain, the memory….all of it. Afterwards, just take the experience and learn from it. There was a lesson to be learned from it. You can not travel back in time to fix anything, only move forward with the understanding that you are only human. And learning soul lessons in a human form.

In love and light always,


“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” – Najwa Zebian

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you lived through it. Honor your path. Trust your journey. Learn, grow, evolve, become.” – Creig Crippen