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Please forgive me….

For years I have lived with the feeling that if I did things differently, things would have turned out better….

If I didn’t fight with her and anger her, maybe the stress I caused by that anger wouldn’t have been there? And the cancer wouldn’t have gotten worse? Maybe, she would’ve lived longer?

If I raised my child differently, maybe things would’ve been better for us? Or better for them? If I didn’t hang on so tight, or maybe I didn’t hang on tight enough?

Maybe if I didn’t act that certain way or say what I said, maybe he would’ve stayed around? Maybe I was too much? Or not enough? Maybe if I did things differently, maybe we would’ve still been together all these years. And maybe we would’ve gotten married and/or had children together?

We blame ourselves for not being all that good looking. Or all that smart. We blame ourselves for thinking and feeling deeply and so different than others. Yet, it is who we are. We may not be the cutest in our eyes, we may not think we are smart, we may think and feel differently so we think we are weird. But, to someone else….we are just the right person for them.  To someone else, we are who they want in our life.

We often question things because they didn’t work out the way we wanted. Or when we wanted them to. We question that maybe the blame was our fault. And that we need to change. But, as in some situations this may be true, it may not be all that true in others. In most cases, we did nothing wrong. Or that no matter what we could’ve done, it just was not meant to be. And so we take the blame. In a way of hoping to heal from the situation.

Part of healing….is needing to forgive yourself or someone else. Even if they are no longer around or alive. So that you can live fully. It may take a while to forgive, but you will know when it’s time.

I forgave myself, I know there was nothing I could do to save her. I was a child, a child who like others caused stress, fighting, and was coming into who I am. And she loved every day seeing me grow up right before her eyes. I knew she fought for so long to have as much time with me as possible. Spending every moment with me, doing whatever she can. For she was living. I forgave myself for not being able to do anything more than be there for her. I know she lived and fought longer….for me….

I forgave myself for raising my oldest child the way I did the last few years. I only wish in time that we can work things out. We, Mothers, often learn parenting with and through our first born child. I was eighteen when I had my first child. I was a single mother doing everything on my own. With very little help. And there doesn’t go a single day by, that I regret having my child back then. He is almost an adult now. He is doing whatever it takes to graduate from high school. And has his own lessons to learn from. I give credit to raising him with the knowledge of what my Mother taught and instilled in me. The lessons and values. But I also give credit to the family and friends whom have helped me over the years. I have been so hard on myself for how I raised him, that I have found it difficult to forgive myself. But finally I can say, I do forgive myself, for not knowing which path to take. I only pray that my child understands that I was learning too, like him.

A few months ago. I had to forgive someone for walking away. I blamed myself thinking it was my fault, not knowing the truth. After many years later, I know it was not all my fault, but both of ours. For he walked away because of a different main reason. I forgave myself for being too much back then. As I was still learning. Still to this day, I learn that not everyone can take my intensity of words or feelings, or have the passion of future plans to happen and so soon. That’s my anxiety showing there.

I blamed myself for years of being “too much”. I blamed myself for being too strong, and for caring “too much”. When I just had to learn to not be so much all at once.

After many years of separation. The same person that walked away long ago, is finally back together with me. We are happy and continue to learn and grow with one another. Taking each day one by one.

There are times we must forgive others for their actions in order to heal (even if they do not apologize).

But, sometimes we must forgive ourselves. I often blame myself and try and find a fault so that I can try and get past the hurt or whatever feeling I have. In all, this only hurts more. We can be so hard on ourselves, that we blame ourselves for caring or loving someone or something too much. That we often relive the same mistakes in our head, thinking if we did or said things differently, that things would’ve been better? But we all make mistakes. And from those mistakes, we learn from them. Otherwise, we may just end up repeating our mistakes till we get it right. Even if it’s a bit of a different situation each time.

By forgiving yourself you can move on and forward. Although it may be hard to do this, you will be happy you did. Do not allow past bad decisions to define you. Or to affect your future for yourself (or with someone). Instead learn from that experience you had, when you made that decision. And forgive yourself. You deserve peace, peace in mind and in your heart. Then once you forgive, it’ll be time to release and let go of that thought. The grudge, the resentment, the pain, the memory….all of it. Afterwards, just take the experience and learn from it. There was a lesson to be learned from it. You can not travel back in time to fix anything, only move forward with the understanding that you are only human. And learning soul lessons in a human form.

In love and light always,

Amanda

“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” – Najwa Zebian

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you lived through it. Honor your path. Trust your journey. Learn, grow, evolve, become.” – Creig Crippen

 

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