In my family I was taught to express my feelings. But growing up I also learned to keep things to myself. I knew one way more than the other, all to well….
We mask our feelings for fear of what people make think or say. And at times we keep things to ourselves because we are also taught “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But, for some of us, we keep our feelings hidden because people don’t understand how we feel. Or what we are going through. So, we shut out people and the world. We mask our pain. We put on a fake smile, laugh at something but hide the pain we face each and every day. Not showing anything. And acting strong.
These souls go about their day, and act like nothing is wrong. You won’t recognize them easily, as they have learnt to hide this pain for many years.
The child you see playing in the sand, but you don’t know what they are going through at home. The man that acts like his life is good. You have no idea what demons he faces in his mind. Nor see how he is fighting to get up every day, because his partner passed away. The woman that smiles, laughs, and looks like she can take on anything because she is strong and independent. But you don’t see or know her pain, that she sees everyone with children but grieves hers that passed on. Or longs for a child herself.
To the person that is strong for everyone, but breaks down crying in private because they don’t want anyone to see them at their weakness. The person who struggles to get his fiances stable, so he doesn’t have to worry or stress of what bills have to be paid next? Or when the next paycheck comes in? Or want to stress the other person with the same stress we are going through.
The anxiety of keeping our emotions inside, for fear of being rejected. For fear that the relationship we want with another will never happen. Or because we do not know how to say what we feel. Maybe because we know the other person will not agree to what we think or feel, so we bottle it all up inside. And remain quiet.
The tears we cry can not measure the pain we keep inside. The torment we put ourselves through. The anxiety of what tomorrow is going to bring. And if we are going to be able to get through another day? The torment if the other person will love us back?
Keeping these feelings hidden inside can sometimes hurt more, than anyone can hurt you. I’ve gone through this hurt. I know this pain all too well. My anxiety got the best of me many times. And all I had to do was say something. It takes courage to say something, as we most know. It may take a long time, or short. But that time is all depending on you. That time is yours. Speak up and say something, when you are ready.
Now, the moments where you look at something or someone, and you are in awe…..and you feel something. But chose not to say anything….but stay silent. Be in that present feeling. And if it brings a smile to your face….enjoy that moment.
In love and light,
“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” – Erma Bombeck