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Holidays

Remembering our loved ones at Christmas time

soulintuitiveamanda

There are times during the year we remember our loved ones more often than other times. For me, it’s Christmas.

I remember the family coming over for dinner, and baked goods my Mom, Grandmother and Aunt had baked. Sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree waiting anxiously for a present to be given to me. My face all lite up, smiling like crazy and still so tired. Christmas decorations all over the house, and Christmas music playing in the background. Family members in pajamas. Presents under the tree. Stockings stuffed. Coffee and tea being served to the adults, while the kids got milk, juice or hot chocolate. The cold air blowing around outside, snow everywhere. The sun shining most years. All the while, as I sat there anxiously. No one really knowing what I am actually doing….

I sat there. Looking at my Mother. Sitting on the couch, with her housecoat on, her curly hair all messy, a coffee in one hand, and her other grabbing her feet. Curling them up close to her to keep her warm. And the look on her face. Smiling. Looking back at me, seeing my happy face, as she sipped her coffee. Maybe she knew I was looking at her, just because I wanted to remember that moment.

I have a picture I have hanging in my living room, of a moment I captured. This same memory…..messy hair, housecoat and all. And her….looking at the camera. With such love. My family and I took a lot of pictures over the years. But this picture is one of my favorite. Because it captured my Mom just how she was. No makeup. Comfy clothes. And loving the day we spent all together.

My Mom and I did a lot of skiing, skating and tobogganing when I was a child. Taking a picture at any given moment. Laughing, giggling and enjoying each others company.

I sat there looking at my Mother every Christmas morning. I didn’t want to ever forget how I felt, how she looked, her voice, her smile, her laughter, her love.

My last Christmas with her was in 1996.

I was very close to my Mother. She was my best friend. And although I did not get much time with her. I am eternally grateful for those years nevertheless. She taught me so much in so little time we had together. It is those Christmases with her that hold a special place in my heart.

I know it may be hard for some of you to celebrate a holiday without your loved ones there. But take it from someone who has done this for twenty one years now. Remember those moments, smile if you can. Feel the love you still have inside for them. Take that moment to remember everything. And then go spend your holiday- like you did in the past. Their spirit will be with you. Happy to see you still carrying on the traditions. Seeing the happiness, the laughter, the smiles. And the love that you all still have. We are not forgetting them. We are taking them everywhere we go. And still living our life. I know it hurts. I feel your pain, your heart aching, and wishing they were here. That you had more time with them. Maybe to correct wrong doings. Maybe to say your sorry for things you said or did. But what you may not know is, the already forgave you.

Every Christmas that has passed, I still sit there. Thinking of my Mom. Remembering those Christmases. And often I feel her presence and then see her sitting on the couch, messy hair, housecoat on and feet curled up. Smiling back at me. The pain might always be there, it might eventually go away. We might think of them privately, not showing how much we miss them. We all grieve in different ways, for however long or short.

This Christmas, do something that you once did together. Weather it be skating or sledding. Or singing a favorite Christmas carol. Or carrying on a tradition….

Be with the ones you love. And do not let go or not see someone that holds that special place in your heart, weather they know it or not. Our time on Earth is limited. We do not know how much time we have. Hug your loved ones. Squeeze them tight. Tell them how much they mean to you. And for the ones that no longer are with us….

Know every time you think of them. Or have a major life event. Or remember a memory with them in it. Know they are there with you in spirit. And they still love you.

Remembering my Mom, Valerie (1942-1997)

In love and light always,

Amanda

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Uncategorized

Something to share

soulintuitiveamanda

I recently took a trip out west this past July. I took it because I needed to heal from some pain I had kept in for 20 yrs. I also took it because I needed to tell my family something I kept hidden. Something I wanted to share with them. I went out with my Dad alone one Sunday afternoon. Just to have that Father, Daughter, time. I was ready to tell him. Little did I know….he knew for many years what I had a very hard time to tell him.

I struggled to come out with the words, but slowly I built up the courage, took that leap of faith and told him. I am a Medium. I looked into his eyes and saw that once I told him….nothing had changed. I saw the love that he still had. The love of a Father towards his Daughter. And he was fascinated by what I had to say. Even asked questions!

I can somehow hear and see your past loved ones. I have had my gift since I was six years old. I do not know how I can say things or know things, that I shouldn’t know, without being there. I do not know how I can know your exact childhood toy, that you loved to play with, in the fifties. I do not know how I know your Mother or your Father, without meeting them. But…..I do know.

Telling my Dad about this was hard for me to do. I didn’t know if he would accept me, knowing this about me. I didn’t know if he would think I am crazy! Or freak out because this was/is too overwhelming for him. Telling my Dad this and finding out that he has known for many years, waiting for me to tell him; has been very lifting. It was hard for me to tell him, because for the past twenty years he has been my only parent I have. We may not be biologically linked, but, we are Father and Daughter. I needed and wanted his approval. This is who I am.

This hasn’t changed the friendships I have. Nor the love I have with my family. It is still me. The me that so many have known. This was the secret I kept in for years. For fearing how my friends and family would react. Skeptic or not, I accept you for who you are. And I love you just the same.

I thank the ones I told and never walked away from me. Thank you to the person I told; that even though they have a difference of opinion/belief, they don’t look at me any different then how they did since we were kids in high school together.

I’ve had a difficult path my whole life. This was just another challenge for me to get through. To share my gift with others. Something I believe I was meant to do and love doing. Part of my life purpose. This is my gift.

And I look forward to sharing my gift with you….

In love and light always,

Amanda

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Love yourself

soulintuitiveamanda

For a long time I was in a place where I was not happy. And for whatever reason, I did not do anything about it. I just continued to stay unhappy. For fearing that things would not work out, that I would be worse off than I already am, and that my life would be hell. And then one night, everything I feared went away. And I stood up strong, like the lioness I am. And I walked away from my marriage. I had to stop pretending that I was happy. Stop lying to myself and my children that it was okay to be treated the way I was by my spouse. And to start loving myself. Because staying in that relationship, I felt like I wasn’t.

We have to commit to change, otherwise….we will continue to feel the same feeling. We get this surge of strength out of nowhere, when we don’t even think we have anything left inside. That is our inner strength.

I kept getting signs that things were never going to get better unless I changed my path I was on. I learned a lot of life lessons with this relationship, although it was a very difficult one. And I am grateful for having gone through them. The good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes we feel so comfortable where we are, and even though it is best to leave a situation, we have anxiety about leaving. We fear about our finances, if we can survive alone? We fear that we have no where to go. How will we cope with the change, and will it be for the better? We fear we are not worth more than what we have right now in our life. And we fear that no one will love us.

We all have a natural instinct to survive somehow. If you have no where to go, there are churches who may be able to help. Or shelters. Ask a friend or family member for help and do not be afraid to ask. If you are having a hard time coping with change, talk to friends and loved ones about whatever it is. There are also all kinds of groups out there that can help you as well.

Believe you are worth it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve that amazing relationship. You deserve that job you want. You deserve that career you invested so much time into. You deserve all of this. You think you are not worth it?! You are wrong. Cause you are worth it!! If that job or company doesn’t treat you right, then leave it. But make sure you have somewhere else to work at. If it’s a person that doesn’t treat you right, or does not make you happy. Let them go. Choose to be happy. Choose to work for someone who is kind and cares about you. Choose to receive and give love to someone who truly loves and cares about you. And follow your heart.

We focus on making others happy and tend to forget about our own happiness. These relationships end up in routines and we get comfortable with how things are. And for this reason, the universe tends to shake things up a bit!

One October evening, in 2015, I just had enough! I decided that I needed to love myself. And end my marriage. I was unable to hide my unhappiness any longer. I fought with that decision for far too long. But once I acted on my decision, I knew I couldn’t take back what I said, about how I felt. I had to speak my truth. And I feel better for letting go.

I started to do things that made me happy. And started to take care of myself better.

Not too long after, my smile returned on my face. I looked healthier again. Slept better. And focused on myself (and my kids). I didn’t look for a relationship to have. Instead I took the time to heal from my past ones. I looked within to see my relationship patterns, to see what lessons I had a hard time learning. And just lived life. I figured out what are my desires? Who am I? And where I wanted to go in my life.

I am embracing life and taking on a new adventure. I take each day as it comes. Of course, I do think about my future like everyone else does, but instead of sitting around, I act on committing to where I want to be, and whoever it be with. It’s been two years since I separated from my spouse and I am now divorcing him. I decided that I could not work on my marriage any more. I tried for many years and got no where. I do wish my ex a happier future and all the best. I have no negativity towards him. We continue to raise our child together, co-parenting. And as for me……

I remain true to my words. I am happier. I am good enough and worth it. I love myself and I will always care about the people who have been and are in my life. Names and titles will soon change. Till then…..’I can only imagine’….what my future will be like.

In light and love,

Amanda